How to Support Someone Experiencing Domestic Violence
A note before you read: this post discusses domestic violence, including the increased risk of harm during and after separation, and what supporters can do. Please read at a pace that feels right for you.
“Just leave.”
If you have ever said that to someone you care about, you meant well. Most people start there, but it usually doesn't help.
Last week, I explained why leaving is so difficult and why the time right after someone decides to leave is the most dangerous. This post gives practical advice to go along with that.
Why “just leave” isn't support
It might sound helpful, but it often feels like a judgment.
When you say “just leave,” the person may hear that the answer is simple and that they've failed to do it. Abuse has already sent a message of judgment, blame, and failure for years. Instead of helping, you might reinforce what they already believe about themselves.
There is also a serious safety issue. For most people, leaving isn't a simple exit; it's a process. The time right after deciding to leave is when the risk of harm is highest (Mahoney, 1991; Spearman et al., 2023). If someone is pushed to leave suddenly, without a plan or a safe place to go, they may face the most dangerous part of the relationship unprepared. Saying “just leave” without thinking can actually put them at risk.
So if that isn't it, what is?
The goal isn't to fix anything
This is the main idea that guides everything else.
Domestic violence is not just about stopping someone from doing things. It is also about making them believe they can't do things. Over time, abuse wears down a person's trust in their own judgment. Coercive control not only limits choices, but it also erodes a person's confidence in making decisions (Stark, 2007).
Your role is not to decide for them. Instead, you can help by gently challenging the negative messages they have heard for years: being told they are wrong, too sensitive, or that things did not happen the way they remember.
One of the most important things you can offer someone who has been gaslit is a reminder that what they feel and see is real, and that only they can decide what to do next. This matters because abuse can continue even when it’s not obvious.
What to say
Keep it simple.
“I believe you.”
“You don't deserve to be treated that way.”
“It's not your fault.”
“I'm here no matter what you decide.”
“You know your situation better than anyone. What do you think would help?”
Notice what these statements have in common: none of them tell the person what to do. Each one respects the person's judgment. If abuse has taken that away, every supportive sentence helps rebuild it.
What not to say
Some of these might seem harmless, but they are not.
“Why didn't you just leave?”
“If it were me, I would have been gone.”
“What did you do to set them off?”
“Are you sure it's really that bad?”
“But they're so nice to everyone else.”
Each of these statements makes the person feel like they have to explain themselves, and adds more shame. Shame keeps people quiet, and silence hides abuse (Weaver et al., 2020). If you have said one of these things before, don't be hard on yourself. You don't have to be perfect. You just need to be someone they can talk to.
This also means avoiding lecturing, diagnosing, or trying to take control. Don't expect the person to act on your schedule. They are the best judge of the risk, not you.
Be steady, not intense
The best thing you can offer is being reliable.
Abuse is unpredictable. There can be periods of tension, outbursts, and then lulls. This unpredictability keeps people in a heightened nervous system state. You do not help by matching that intensity. You help by being steady and consistent every time.
That looks like:
Checking in without demanding an update.
Staying in contact even when they pull away.
Not pulling away if they go back. Most people leave and return several times before they leave for good (Anderson & Saunders, 2003). If a friend makes them feel ashamed for returning, that friend becomes someone they can't reach out to.
Keeping what they share with you private. Do not share it with others unless they say it is okay.
Letting them lead on decisions, including the decision to stay.
Letting them make their own decisions is the hardest but most important part. Support is not about making choices for someone else. It's about helping them trust their own choices (Kiani et al., 2021).
When they start thinking about leaving
When someone begins to think about leaving, your role changes. You're no longer just a listener: you can help with planning. The plan should focus on safety, not speed.
A safety plan does not have to be complicated. It can start with simple questions like:
Where could they go in an emergency? Family, a friend, a shelter?
Are documents, keys, medications, and a phone somewhere safe, or with someone they trust?
Could they quietly open a separate bank account or start a small emergency fund?
What is the exit route from the home, and when is it safest to go?
What is the code word, a text or a phrase, that means “call for help”?
The plan is theirs. You can help with the details, but you can’t make the plan for them. Pushing someone into a plan when they aren't ready isn't helpful. It just adds more pressure.
Protect yourself too
One more important thing to mention: abuse often isolates the person experiencing it, but it can also affect those around them. Sometimes, an abuser may target anyone who tries to help, like a friend who listens or offers support (Goodman et al., 2022). This isn't your fault, and it doesn't mean you should stop helping; it just means you need to be careful.
You should not confront the abuser. Do not leave evidence on shared devices or reveal your plans. It can help to involve an advocate early, since they know how to look at safety for everyone involved. Your goal is not to be a hero. It is to stay safe so you can keep offering support.
The part that matters
About 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men in the United States have experienced rape, physical violence, or stalking by a partner at some point in their lives (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2022). Each number represents a person who has already thought about the risks of speaking up versus staying silent.
You won't always know what to do. No one does. What matters is being someone others feel safe talking to.
You don't have to be a hero. What helps is believing them, being steady, and knowing that leaving is a process, not a single moment. The hardest part often comes after the decision to leave, not before (Anderson & Saunders, 2003).
Next week, I will share the last post in this series. It will cover what happens after someone leaves, and why people may still feel on edge even after the danger has passed.
If you need support
If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
National Domestic Violence Hotline – 1-800-799-SAFE (7233); TTY 1-800-787-3224; text “START” to 88788; chat at thehotline.org. Free, confidential, 24/7, open to anyone regardless of gender or relationship type.
StrongHearts Native Helpline – 1-844-762-8483.
love is respect – 1-866-331-9474, or text “LOVEIS” to 22522.
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline – call or text 988.
A note on technology precautions. If someone may be monitoring your phone, accounts, or location, seek help on a device they don't have access to, like a work or library computer or a trusted friend's phone.
References
Anderson, D. K., & Saunders, D. G. (2003). Leaving an abusive partner: An empirical review of predictors, the process of leaving, and psychological well-being. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 4(2), 163–191.
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2022). The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey: 2016/2017 report on intimate partner violence. National Center for Injury Prevention and Control.
Goodman, L. A., Epstein, D., Hailes, H. P., Slocum, A., Wolff, J., Coyne, K., & McCraney, A. (2022). From isolation to connection: The practices and promise of open domestic violence shelters. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 37(9–10).
Kiani, Z., Simbar, M., Fakari, F. R., Kazemi, S., Ghasemi, V., Azimi, N., Mokhtariyan, T., & Bazzazian, S. (2021). A systematic review: Empowerment interventions to reduce domestic violence? Archives of Women's Mental Health, 24(3), 345–355.
Mahoney, M. R. (1991). Legal images of battered women: Redefining the issue of separation. Michigan Law Review, 90(1), 1–94.
Spearman, K. J., Hardesty, J. L., & Campbell, J. (2023). Post-separation abuse: A concept analysis. Journal of Advanced Nursing, 79(4), 1225–1246.
Stark, E. (2007). Coercive control: How men entrap women in personal life. Oxford University Press.
Weaver, T. L., Elrod, N. M., & Kelton, K. (2020). Intimate partner violence and body shame: An examination of the associations between abuse components and body-focused processes. Violence Against Women, 26(12–13), 1538–1554.